There are so many stupid, sophistic arguments that come flying out of the mouths of the pro-gun lobby that it’s almost impossible to counter them all...kind of like machine gun fire. I guess that’s the point. Logical people, faced with illogical people who treat mass shootings as some sort of uniquely American natural disaster, just throw up their arms at some point (figuratively, and sometimes literally if the idiots happen to be packing.)

The last card, the ace in the gun nut’s hand, is almost always a 2nd Amendment argument about the right – nay, the RESPONSIBILITY – the founding fathers foisted upon all Americans to arm themselves against a “tyrannical” government, foreign or home grown. Indeed, these brave folks collecting assault rifles are simply benevolent souls intent on protecting their fellow Americans. At least the patriotic ones. Who agree with them. Or they’ll FUCKING SHOOT! (Shooting seems to be the ultimate problem solver. Who needs a moderator when you’ve got a gun?)

Of all the arguments, this one actually makes me laugh out loud. I mean, when the founding fathers wrote this – "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed." – things were...a little different.

For one thing, there was no regular army (I mean, what crazy fucking country was going to want to spend 58% of their budget on the military instead of health care and education, amirite?), so being able to quickly form a militia in the face of an invading enemy was paramount. And a militia needs guns. So there you go – GUNS FOR EVERYONE! FREDUM!!

Of course, back then, THIS was state of the art weaponry:


Yeah, sure, the bigger armies had cannons and horses and such, but at the end of the day, a single shot musket and bayonet was how war was waged. The opposing sides lined up in hideously uncomfortable looking suits and silly hats, pointed their wildly inaccurate, cumbersome rifles at the other team, pulled the trigger when some dude said to do so, made a bunch of smoke like a fog machine in an 80s rock video, then reloaded...for, like, 30 seconds to a minute (IF they were very experienced and not remotely distracted by the musket balls whizzing around their heads.) Then did it again, until enough of them fell, or their arms hurt, or the chafing got to them, or they just got bored as fuck and broke for tea.

Point is, even if one side DOUBLED the other side’s rate of fire because they were professional soldiers, they were still somewhat evenly matched, at least in the way that they were probably diseased, fed poor food, had bad shoes and clothes, little shelter from the cold, etc. – these guys just wanted it over.

Now, let me tell you a quick story.

I’ve had two military guys in my family, one in the infantry, one in the combat engineers. At the time we met, in their early 20s, these guys could be ordered at any time to drop everything, grab their full kit, and run 10km like they meant it. And they frequently did. No. Problem. They took courses called “battle school”, and participated in live fire manoeuvres. Fighting was their full-time job. They were well-fed and in great shape. They developed battle instincts and absolute willingness to take orders. And we’re not even talking special forces of any kind.

Contrast this with the average arsehole you see sputtering on about “tranical guvermints”, “libtards”, “moslems”, gawd and guns. Most of them look a bit like...well, me. Middle aged(ish), out of shape, unable to run 100 metres, never mind 100 times that. They’re disorganized, and so overconfident they all think they’re fucking Sgt. Rock, even though they couldn’t take on Gomer Pyle. They’d literally shit their drawers at the first sign of trouble. So, in an evenly matched fire fight (which it never would be, because of the description of the professional soldier above, plus body armour, tactical gear, night vision goggles, etc.), they are FUCKED. (Even small-town police are militarized to the tits thanks to the arsewipe politicians THEY usually support.)

Red DawnBut that’s not all. Not even close. In fact, if it were just about being unevenly matched, it might still be worth building up a bit of an arsenal.

You might get lucky, right? WOLVERINES!!!!! 


Sure! Except NO. Because THAT is not reality. HERE’s reality, and how the 2nd Amendment should read now... ”A motley crew of untrained, blowhard morons, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear the following shall not be infringed”:
Fighter jets
Stealth bombers
Attack helicopters
Armoured personnel carriers
Rocket propelled grenades
Heavy machine guns
Grenade launchers
Nuclear warheads.

The cold, hard fucking fact is that IF the government suddenly became “tyrannical” – and you hadn’t seen it coming from a mile away (hint hint) – there’d be SFA these homegrown militia dumbasses could do about it even WITH a couple of hundred automatic rifles in the basement.

You can only shoot one at once. Or you can sling it over your shoulder when you go out of the house so your tiny penis feels safe at Walmart, or at least so everyone knows you could end them if you wanted to because “look at me I’m a tough guy.” (Sounds...tyrannical.)

Man Open Carrying at Krogers

A hipster too? This guy really IS the worst...

Or you can bring 16 assault rifles up to a hotel room and shoot at unarmed, helpless people at a concert, or a movie theatre, or maybe even children in a school.

Because outside of all the Die Hard/Rambo/Red Dawn ammosexual violence-porn fantasies, THAT’S all the godforsaken things are good for. So if that’s where you’re at, do me a favour, and just be honest. You like guns, and you don’t care who gets hurt as long as they make you feel more powerful than someone else. That’s pretty much the definition of tyranny. Admitting you’re just an impotent little tyrant won’t make me respect you, but it’ll save us both a lot of time.

I’ve read that since 1970, more Americans have died from guns than from all the wars it has been involved in COMBINED. In other words, America is basically in a very bloody, undeclared, asymmetrical war...with itself.

To boil it right down, America...guns are the tyranny you fear. You may wish to look up “amendment” in the dictionary, and adjust accordingly.